It Makes My Head Hurt

I've had occasion to be party to some interesting conversations over the past couple of weeks. I don't suppose I'll ever be privy to the big picture on the work front---thank the Lord my personal life is perfectly clear. The conversations have made me put on my manager's hat. Now I haven't put on my manager's hat since I managed service stations for Gulf Oil back in the 70's.

Quite frankly, that job is the one that made it clear to me that I never wanted to wear the manager's hat again and as long as I worked in organizations that were small and I was a department of one, it was never an issue. It's become an issue a couple of times over the past few years as I work for a company that's gone from the Mom 'n' Pop flavor to the major regional employer flavor.

With encouragement, I have reached out into the supervisory area a couple of times in my tenure at this unnamed company. One such reach was sabotaged by another (albeit inadvertently), but I think I have to admit that there's a little self-sabotage too. After my last experience I cringe at becoming responsible for the work product of people I currently call friend. Nothing kills a friendship faster than a promotion, be it on the part of the governed or the governing. Maybe I don't have the coaching skills necessary to be a leader rather than a boss.

So it is with misgivings that I put my self in the new-new sheriff in town's shoes. I'm led to believe that the initial plan to clean up our town involved scraping all current staff and hiring from scratch. I'm also led to believe that that plan was thwarted by the noble sacrifice of someone that was let go. "Blame the problems in the department on me, not them. Give them a chance." Perhaps the slaughter of one lamb avoided the decimation of the entire herd. Only time will tell.

But as I put on the shoes of someone else and tread their path, if only in my imagination, I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be easier to do the clean sweep thing and start afresh. The new sheriff has a bunch of deputies that have been so badly beaten down by the empty promises and bad decisions of past management that it will take something very special to get their morale and work product to the level where it should be.

Somebody get this effing hat off my head...

You have to wonder

...what the back story is when the new-new sheriff in town manages to accomplish in mere months what the old-new sheriff in town couldn't accomplish in over a year. I smell politics. I smell strange bedfellows. Work is becoming an excellent training ground for my future in politics.

Just because

Just because you come in and start changing vendors on us doesn't mean you are improving things.

Just because you come in and start holding department meetings doesn't mean you are improving things.

Just because you are here doesn't mean you are improving things.

The jury is still out. Just because...

Caution: Work Rant Ahead

Here I go, breaking the rulez again...

But I can't help myself when they force the wrong person to resign. We all knew the new sheriff was gonna shake things up and butt heads both above and below. I thought that was the whole point of bringing in the new sheriff. Get rid of the milquetoast yes-man. Get some fresh ideas, some fresh blood. Think outside the box.

Now, in some respects the new sheriff was smoke and mirrors (un-fulfilled promises---like the "big" raises we've been promised for three years now). Lot's of blustering with little result (un-backable threats). But there were some core improvements to working conditions that raised the moral of the little peeps a whole lot and that's worth a great deal to me & mine.

The micro-manager was seen for what the micro-manager was and was relocated to an area further from me & mine and given a project that could be micro-managed to the hilt with no impact on the Techs. For this I am forever grateful. It was demonstrated for the micro-manager what the Techs could accomplish if the micro-manager would just assign a task and GTF outta the way.

Unfortunately the up-the-food-chain head-butting was more than up the food chain could handle and the sheriff has been released to clean up some other town. Micro-manager has been once again elevated. It remains to be seen if micro-manager can retain the lessons of the past year...

Pray for us Techs.

So...WTH DID happen last year?

I worked. Far more and far harder than I ever wanted to. Watched the company grow and grow beyond all reason, beyond all expectations, even in this $hitty economy. Unless they're cooking the books, it's still growing...

Watched my animals age. My lab will not live the full life expectancy for her breed. She's got crappy hips and a bum knee...and one mommy who refuses not to spoil her with excess treats so she's morbidly over-weight (hmmm...just like that spoiling mommy). All this conspires to shorten her life span and guarantee that the end will be painfully unpleasant. If I'd followed through on breaking up with my partner two years ago rather than staying to pick up the pieces-of-her after the tragedy, my dog would have had a chance at a better, longer life.

Watched my father age. Painful. The unstoppable giant of my youth is not immortal. He will die. I'm not sure how that will affect me given our history...

Watched my partner drift further and further from reality. On medication, off medication, back on it—where she belongs. Lying to herself about the true cost of being off her medication. The cost being that there's only one person on the planet still speaking to her. One person on the planet that still gives $hit whether she still sucks air into her lungs...me. And quite honestly some days it's hard to give a $hit.

Watched myself become resigned to life as it is today. Fooling myself into thinking how some of the things I do are so selfless, yet always knowing deep down, where it really counts, that I've always been in it for me. That nothing, not one thing I ever decide, not one action I ever take, is ultimately without benefit to me.

Dark? Yes. Deceitful? Not where it matters.

So THAT'S how it works...

I can tell by the number of comments I've gotten that you're all dying to know how things are going at work...

Well, we have a new department head and he seems to have his head located someplace other than his nether regions so it's a good thing. He's very good at acting as a buffer between the tech staff and the incompetence that we've dealt with in the past.

Personally I'm doing wonderful since I embraced the idea that good is good enough. No need to strive for perfection. Of course my good is way better than anybody else's best... And if that's not good enough for the company, I got three job offers out of the three resumes I sent out so I know I am employable.

I've had to interact with one of the most difficult people in the company twice over the past week and not only have we both gotten something out of the exchanges, it was actually pleasant!

I've taken on two side jobs over the past month, one of which I am starting to regret. It's a big job as in I'll get enough money from it that I'll end up declaring it on my taxes, but it's starting to look like this is going to be a high maintenance user situation and I don't know that I have the time to devote to a high maintenance customer...

Happy Birthday to...A-man!

Sunday was my co-worker's birthday so today he was greeted with gifts and decorations when he arrived. He and the D-man had done my workspace up with crepe paper for my birthday. I thought I'd return the favor but all I had was hillbilly crepe paper. Yup, I wrapped the chair, monitor, keyboard, mouse, and telephone. Then I hung 'streamers' from the drop ceiling. It came out even nicer than I expected. Bonus: He was well prepared for any shit that happened to come his way...

So THAT'S how it works...

...as in it doesn't. Nothing has changed. No one is any better at their job, in fact I'd hazard a guess to say I'm worse at my job. Tickets are still not being entered. Jobs are still being called done when they're not. And I'm still apologizing up and down when things go wrong.

No one has said a word about my meltdown., at least not to my face. My immediate supervisor appears to be none the wiser. I don't believe she's that good of an actress so I have no clue what if anything is happening, but my view says nothing is happening.

So I got a Sunday paper and marked up the classified's. Then I updated my resume. Then I sent the new resume out. But I'm not sure I really want another job where you submit a resume. Maybe I just want to wear the blue vest and say, "Thank you for shopping at you-know-where."

So How's This Work?

I have no idea how this spill your guts to HR thing works. I know HR said that it would take some time to address the issues raised. I spent Monday with a rictus of a smile on my face, barely communication with my co-workers. Who knows about my meltdown? Does management now consider me a liability? A loose cannon? Disgruntled? Expendable?

I've never had a situation that I ended up taking to HR. If it wasn't something I could work out with my co-workers myself, I just made it a learning experience and moved on. What's different now? Why do I give a rat's ass what happens to this company? Why don't I just quit? It's just a job and I can get a job anywhere. Do I care so much because until recently it was the most fun I've ever had working?

I have no illusion that I'm irreplaceable. No one is. I will say that I'll be hard to replace. When I segued from my career in film to being a stay at home mom, I definitely got great satisfaction out of the fact that they had to hire three people to replace me. One to handle the database administration, one to handle the network administration, and one to do everything else I did. But it was also sort of sad to think that I worked that hard. I missed out on a lot of family time by doing that and working so much turned me into a lunatic alcoholic. But I can feel myself turning into the lunatic again and I sure don't want to go back to drinking so I guess I have to trust that whatever is going to happen will happen and it's in God's hands now.

Meltdown

So Friday afternoon I had a meltdown in the HR Director's office. After spending my morning fixing a machine that was deployed to do a specific job without the critical piece of hardware needed to do that specific job and discovering that a co-worker was using out-dated procedures to complete tasks, I'd reached the breaking point. I even took a nice extra-long lunch to try and adjust my attitude, but there was no turning back the clock. That camel's back done broke.

And I didn't even go to HR to discuss it right then and there. I just wanted to make sure that HR could find time in their schedule for me the following Monday, once I'd had time to calm down, reflect, organize my concerns and even possibly offer some solutions rather than just blathering on about all the things that are wrong with my department. Well that was not to be. The Director took one look at my face, closed the door and told me that I looked like I needed to talk, let's do it now.

I flitted over all the issues in my usual rambling, incoherent, couldn't ad-lib if my life depended on it fashion. I know I got my points across and I managed to do it without mascara running down my face like an over-heated Elvira on crack. But I didn't get to offer solutions like I wanted. I've lots of ideas to get the department back on track but since I've spent the last six months complaining about things that never got changed I figured that maybe the problem in the department is me, not my supervisor, not my co-workers. All those wonderful ideas are covered with dust in the back of my head.

So I took HR's advice to have a relaxing weekend and try not to think about it. Some of the issues I raised they're aware of , others they were not. I really do like the people I work with, and I'm not looking to get anyone in trouble but really, if they don't want to do a better job then they need to quit dragging the rest of us down with them. Or at least the company needs to stop punishing the whole department for the actions of a few. It's worse than grade school!

I did spend a little time this weekend putting together a list of suggestions for improvements. Perhaps I'll even get to share them with the company...if my supervisor doesn't fire me for being a rat-fink.

It's a good thing I don't drink...

...but the only way to stay sober, at least for me, is to take an active part in my recovery by attending meetings of alcoholics anonymous, keeping in touch with my sponsor, living the 12 steps, and practicing the principles I've been taught there. So last night I attended a speaker meeting. Because I do these things, there are people that are alive today. Specifically my supervisor.

Yes, I'm going to break the cardinal rule of blogging. The commandment that says Thou Shalt Not Blog About Work. Why? Because I don't give a fuck. I know my job, I do my job and I do it well. I am an anal-retentive-detail-freak and that makes my work as close to perfect as you can get. And that's why when you look at the performance statistics for my department, a department of four, fully 40% of the work completed by my department is done by me. Why? Because after dealing with the nimrods, I mean my co-workers, in my department, people have learned that if they want something done right the first time, your best bet is to call me.

Why do I arrogantly make this claim? Because it's come to my attention that I've been denied a promotion and accompanying raise due to the inaction of my supervisor. And since there isn't much I can do about it, I've decided I don't give a fuck who reads this and who gets offended by it.

Let me make it clear that as far as people go, I really like my co-workers. I've reached an age where I can separate "I like you" from "Hey asshole, your failure to follow procedure is making more work for me." The one has nothing to do with the other. If I like you and I work with you, I can ream you a new asshole over the fact that you have the head of customer service crawling up my ass looking for polyps at 2:00 pm and still buy you a beer at 6:00 pm. Working with you and socializing with you are two different things.

Let me make it clear that as a person I like my supervisor. She's a really nice person. But nice doesn't get the job done. She is completely ineffective when it comes to lobbying the board room for the things my department needs to function to the best of it's ability. She's so busy being nice and polite and trying to be liked that she's become a doormat for the vendor that supplies some equipment to us. She is completely ineffective at getting my co-workers to do the job to the best of their ability. Seriously, with all my complaints about the same issues over and over, if this is the best of their ability then they need to quit their day job and find another gig.

The job is not that hard. We have detailed written procedures for almost everything that have been fine tuned over time, complete with troubleshooting tips. We have an easily searchable helpdesk with detailed notes on service calls and there's not too many new issues that crop up that haven't been covered before so when an end-user has a problem that has already been solved somewhere else, it's just not that difficult to check out the trouble tickets and see what worked before.

She's either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid and frankly I'm leaning towards the stupid. She asked me to act in a supervisory capacity and mentor my co-workers, which I did without benefit of title or pay increase, for the last quarter of 2006. But friendly coaching didn't seem to have any effect on their behavior and I got fed up with that and told her so back in January. She then asked me to keep her in the loop when I ran across things that weren't being done in the proscribed manner. I did this by forwarding her the helpdesk tickets where procedures were not followed, issues were not resolved due to a lack of research into the issue /interest in the issue on the part of the technician handling the call, and where I thought user's behavior was creating the problems we were having to fix.

For six months I've been "keeping her in the loop" in this fashion and nothing's changed. I figured she either thought I was being picky or just didn't give a damn. I come to find out, she didn't know what the "forwarded ticket" emails were so she never bothered to click the link and read the ticket to see what was going on.

Finally last month, an overworked and over-burdened me sent my co-workers an email pointing out two instances where I had just spent hours apologizing to department heads about something that was done incorrectly because of a failure to follow procedure. I blind copied my supervisor on the email...and she replied-to-all.

Then during the course of my annual review she had the balls to tell me that because the department went to hell in a handbasket in January I did not get a promotion and raise. Because of her failure to address the problems that I had clearly pointed out to her, I got screwed. And I'm not OK with that. Not OK in the least. I don't give a shit if I get fired over this. I can have any job I want any time I want and if I lose my job because I pointed out that my supervisor didn't do her job, so be it. But when I walk out that door, everyone will know that the problems in the department are not a result of my action or in-action, but hers. I hope HR has a fire suit for my exit interview...