I worked. Far more and far harder than I ever wanted to. Watched the company grow and grow beyond all reason, beyond all expectations, even in this $hitty economy. Unless they're cooking the books, it's still growing...
Watched my animals age. My lab will not live the full life expectancy for her breed. She's got crappy hips and a bum knee...and one mommy who refuses not to spoil her with excess treats so she's morbidly over-weight (hmmm...just like that spoiling mommy). All this conspires to shorten her life span and guarantee that the end will be painfully unpleasant. If I'd followed through on breaking up with my partner two years ago rather than staying to pick up the pieces-of-her after the tragedy, my dog would have had a chance at a better, longer life.
Watched my father age. Painful. The unstoppable giant of my youth is not immortal. He will die. I'm not sure how that will affect me given our history...
Watched my partner drift further and further from reality. On medication, off medication, back on it—where she belongs. Lying to herself about the true cost of being off her medication. The cost being that there's only one person on the planet still speaking to her. One person on the planet that still gives $hit whether she still sucks air into her lungs...me. And quite honestly some days it's hard to give a $hit.
Watched myself become resigned to life as it is today. Fooling myself into thinking how some of the things I do are so selfless, yet always knowing deep down, where it really counts, that I've always been in it for me. That nothing, not one thing I ever decide, not one action I ever take, is ultimately without benefit to me.
Dark? Yes. Deceitful? Not where it matters.
Watched my animals age. My lab will not live the full life expectancy for her breed. She's got crappy hips and a bum knee...and one mommy who refuses not to spoil her with excess treats so she's morbidly over-weight (hmmm...just like that spoiling mommy). All this conspires to shorten her life span and guarantee that the end will be painfully unpleasant. If I'd followed through on breaking up with my partner two years ago rather than staying to pick up the pieces-of-her after the tragedy, my dog would have had a chance at a better, longer life.
Watched my father age. Painful. The unstoppable giant of my youth is not immortal. He will die. I'm not sure how that will affect me given our history...
Watched my partner drift further and further from reality. On medication, off medication, back on it—where she belongs. Lying to herself about the true cost of being off her medication. The cost being that there's only one person on the planet still speaking to her. One person on the planet that still gives $hit whether she still sucks air into her lungs...me. And quite honestly some days it's hard to give a $hit.
Watched myself become resigned to life as it is today. Fooling myself into thinking how some of the things I do are so selfless, yet always knowing deep down, where it really counts, that I've always been in it for me. That nothing, not one thing I ever decide, not one action I ever take, is ultimately without benefit to me.
Dark? Yes. Deceitful? Not where it matters.
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