Don't ask for whom the bell tolls

...it tolls for me. I don't remember Tuesday night, but Wednesday night is firmly etched in my brain. Pain. Lots of it. Up all night. Chest pain on the internet. Knowing my history I vacillate between heart attack and ulcer. Two grandfather's dead in their early 40's of heart failure and the knowledge that women's heart attacks are frequently mis-diagnosed as severe indigestion have me worried. On the other hand ibuprofen abuse, caffeine and nicotine addiction and the unusually high level of stress in my life over the past year have me 99.9% sure it's an ulcer.

When my hot-hot morning shower still leaves me pale as a camp-bunk sheet, I opt to go to the emergency room at the Podunk hospital. Based on the average age of the local residents, I figure they are well versed in heart attack protocol and I'm not disappointed. Before I am finished spelling my last name I am whisked to a bed and hooked up to an EKG. When the first dose of nitroglycerin lessens the pain, I really start to panic and my blood pressure crests like a tsunami in Indonesia. After assurances from the nurse that nitro makes everything feel better, I subside to a more normal level of fear.

EKG looks good. Subsequent doses of nitro lessen the pain no further and I start to wrap my head around the fact that I've finally managed to develop one monster of an ulcer. Treatment? Knock off the ibuprofen, cut down on the caffeine, quit smoking (riiiiight) and reduce stress levels. Oh, so I'm supposed to quit my job and girlfriend?

Hot tip from the heartland...if you have stomach acid, for god's sake don't take Tums. Turns out that added calcium actually increases stomach acid. Go figure. The manufacturer adds something that causes stomach acid to their product.